I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
