Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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