I have demons in me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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