My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
