Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
