I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And then my night got REAL pukey
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
