You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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