You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
