Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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