She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
