I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
