you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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