apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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