Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
