New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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