Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize