I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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