so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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