You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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