I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
