You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
