I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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