The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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