Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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