GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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