I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
