Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
