So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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