I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
