Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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