I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
is it fun? or sober?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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