If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
