You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
