So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
