We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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