I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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