I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
