My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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