I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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