I think my vagina is haunted
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
