I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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