Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
