I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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