these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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