my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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