I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
