And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
