she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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