i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
