My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
