he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
