cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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