I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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