He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and she was petting her beer can
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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