Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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