Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
