i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
