I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
